no more redbull AND burning shirts

two totally disparate subjects of no relation except they happened on the same day. let's start with

no more redbull...
my habit has gotten completely and embarassingly out of control. the first time i drank one was on the trip back from san diego a few years ago. i was exhausted, needed some energy so that i wouldn't fall asleep at the wheel...you know, they say that truckers use drugs to stay awake on their long treks--how else could you stay awake even if a.m. radio is stimulating in its own way?...anyway, i liked the slender can, the bright blue color, the taste even, and especially its affect on me. through the years, i've gone through periods without it, most recently when i worked at anasazi. in good concience, i couldn't ask the youngwalkers to turn away from their addictions when i couldn't turn away from mine on my weeks off. so, i quit. i don't get much sleep though, and often can't shake the sluggishness until too late at night. well, today, during my appointment with neil, he helped me identify a time in my life when my physical energy started being used for an internal struggle--age 6. it's nothing crazy, and in fact, makes so much sense. neil uses a lot of alternative therapies alongside some traditional psychotherapy. he works with the chakras, with the spirit, with the subconcious. i pleaded to be able to drink redbull just one more day and he relented. But, he said that i needed to not drink it in order to be able to notice the changes. i am quite confident that i will notice more energy throughout my day as well as clarity of mind. goodbye redbull. it's been a nice but expensive ride.

too tired to share about burning shirts. there's a teaser for next time.

ce la vie, anonymity!

with the recent arrival of lots of emails from friends and family members about their newborn blogs, i want to comment! and i realize that i can either a. create a new blog that is not so free (as in, a politer, more digestible version of me), b. just put this out there as is (a little scary for me, honestly), or c. put this out there and be concious of my audience. and comment accordingly.

i think a mixture of b and c could work. my purpose in blogging was not for anyone to be up to date on my whereabouts, my thoughts, or my life, but more for me to inside-out my head and my heart with some abandon.

and what of my secrets? everyone has them. don't they? hmm. any suggestions?

teaching, er, sort of

i forgot to sign the contract. that could have played out to be a bad thing, but, in fact, my scatterbrainness saved me and it was a blessing, one that allowed me to say NO to that horrible discipline program called "Make Your Day," in which children give themselves points all day and talk about "concerns" with the other 30 kids in their class and sit with their faces inches from the wall and their backs to the class during 'step 1.'

i loved the school i was at but was unfortunately transfered to the school with the above discipline mandate. and so, with nearly 3 weeks of teaching under my belt, i resigned. i did so before even clearing the things out of my original school. when you know that something is not right, at least for yourself, there is no need to wait. it was a test of faith and of listening to my spirit.

last week i went to the chiropractor, had a colonic, tried not eating sugar for 24 hours, had my first facial EVER!, got the car nice and shiny clean, went dancing, had a "foot bath" and ate rheubarb pie....i just didn't want to get depressed over doing the right thing yet being out of a teaching job.

this week i plan to:
1. get hired to teach third grade after today's interview
2. have another facial (thank you cousin for going to aesthetician school!)
3. go dancing again
4. see DayNightDayNight http://www.onenightcinema.net/
5. go shopping for bras

oh, and since i never signed my contract, i am able to be hired by another district! talk about luck-ee.

nightly ritual

dim light.
honey powder - a faint scent,
not fully used.
tingling just beneath the skin,
or not.
pause
and deep breath
in.
as lids close and lips part and heartbeat slows.
right hand anchors the front
while left hand reaches for the back simultaneously.
both
pull.
eyes open to place it, reconnected, atop the dresser.
right earring now.
the bracelet slips off almost unnoticed
and circles
the others.
rings.
one, two, possibly.
the jewelry speaks of femininity or sights seen, fears or excitements felt.
to be picked up tomorrow,
fresh,
their metal cools through the night
and woman breathes again,
untying the top of her blouse.

ritual of jewelry removal.

trailwalkin'

Where am I? ANASAZI. on the trail. bliss.

late night thoughts

is it a sign that he is too old if you call him at 9:30 and he is already half asleep and wants to call back tomorrow?

date night with dad is the BEST! observatory and Eurocafe. saturn. saturn's rings. jupiter.

those songs from High School Musical ARE pretty catchy

will i have enough energy to one day be a mother?

now i am a chiropractic patient trying to not crack my own

peak hours are still between 10 and 2 a.m.

what's the thread count of my sheets and what do I really want and want am I willing to pay for?

soft sheets

goat cheese

x-rays

plucking eyebrows

hosting book club

I am hosting June's lock and key book club and we will be reading (I just KNEW that the book would come to me!) No one belongs here more than you. Stories by Miranda July.

http://noonebelongsheremorethanyou.com/

click the above to get a quick sense of miranda july. i am so excited!
Her last film You and Me and Everyone We Know is one of my top 5 movies of all time.
Plus, the cute boy at the bookstore knew exactly where the book was, which made me happy. You know, to know that someone else knows.

Running out of gas, take 64!

pop-rox says that we're too old to be screaming and ranting and raving. "We're not THAT old," I text back. He returns with, "Well I am :)"

then, just 2 hours later, on my way to work, I run out of gas on a zooming speeding freeway. in a rental car. and since I was in the zooming speeding lane myself, I needed somehow to get to the opposite side of the freeway. but in a rental car and under zooming speeding pressure while your car has slowed to about 5 mph because you have RUN out of GAS, and while honking horns fill your ears and you try to cry in the rearview mirror so that the hopefully nice lady in the minivan behind you will take pitty....semi's swooshing past. hmm. maybe if I straddle BOTH lane with my stalling car, people will realize that even though it's only a blinker and NOT the emergency lights, that just maybe I am in trouble of some sort and would give me a break (yes, I did realize later that I have been on the other side, frustrated in a car behind someone who has no CLUE). I do make it to a spot right between the on ramp/off ramp. I call pop-rox to see if he knows where the emergency lights would be, crying again. his was the first and only number I thought to call. oh yeah, I had actually left early for work for once too, although I was foolishly trying to make it to the dealership to pick up my car and drop off the rental in probably much too little time. "GET OFF THE PHONE!!" booms a voice behind me. a police man. shoot. I try to cry to him to. I hang up the phone. the next 15 minutes were spent waiting for a truck with gas to help me out. The car was in such a dangerous place that we had to "walk away from the car." :) gas comes, I feel embarassed, hair blown this way and that from freeway traffic and gawkers galore. I make it to work 12 minutes late. And everything is okay.

random observations

highway walkers. grasshoppers. bulbs on bushes. why the general scent of the house doesn't change already in my room. trouble waking.

sleeping around

aye. yaye. i was doing, well, relatively well with sleeping in my very own bed in the room i rent even in clothes made for sleeping. and now it has been a few days of back to the old habit of sleeping on parents' couch, on the floor, and in my old bed. it's not that i need to feel close to the womb. i need to use the computer. finish my late homework. look for chocolate in the cupboards. not drive around all over town.

neil, my therapist, asked me on Sunday, "has anyone told you that over the last 6 months you've gotten more beautiful?" new haircut? no, it's not your hair but you. oh, my face does feel a little more filled out. maybe i got fatter. yeah, maybe you're taking better care of yourself. me (defensively)-i take good care of myself, anyway, i haven't gained any weight. i don't know what it is. Neil-gees, it's hard for you to take a compliment. Me-well, yeah, my face does feel less drawn......What the heck? Did I gain weight? I have been sleeping more. Hmm. I don't mind if I'm supposed to gain weight and I know why, but not just out of the blue like that. Anyway, I didn't gain weight. I'm just going to take an overdue look at my diet and excercise, sleep and wonders, and do what my body and spirit tell me to do.

At night, my toes point south

Student teaching has ended. I've slept in my new home/bed 3 nights in a row now. It's healthy after paying rent for 4 months to finally be using the rented room and more importantly, to finally be with my roomates! Is there anyone else who has ever had the same problem (of not living where they are supposed to live, months to years at a time?)? I've never met anyone but I'm sure there is someone out there who might admit to it. Anyway, I now have some snacks there (honey sesame almonds, dried tart cherries, unsweetened mangos, and nerds), along with a toothbrush, toothpaste, and my bedding. And horse and monkey friends.

the ol' choppers

I like to scrape the scum off of my teeth, in fact, i'd rather do that than brush. I need to buy the electric toothbrush. I need to be writing my lesson plans. And to be sleeping. Without much a care.

I'd like to invite the toothfairy back and have some of my baby teeth sparkle dust polished all over my teeth until my teeth actually hum! And I would send the toothfairy away into the night with a sackfull of silver dollars. Chink-a-link-a-ling.

traces of metal glimmers in eye crust

i almost gave into headache and wardrobe troubles to skip church but felt a sting. i HAD just gotten home from a night of all-out dancing at the Rogue at 5 a.m. That is, 5 hours into the sabbath. So, not to add to that and put my mental/emotional state further behind, I dressed and made it to sacrament meeting. unfortunately, i had to take a 2 hour nap in the car after sacrament meeting but i am still glad i went. i don't regret the evening--just need to prepare better for the sabbath day.

i start student teaching tomorrow!!

resolved

alive. today, a woman at work asked me what my new year's resolution would be. to get married this year. i don't think that is pathetic. not really.

come a long way

my mom is sometimes evil. i feel about 10 years old writing this. but something happens to her and the monster--that vacant-eyed, ferocious, cold, ready to scratch your eyes out person--emerges. she said that i am a waste, a waste of a life. not worth it.

hearing her words again after so long of them fading, receding on their own to the past, reminded me of exactly why it was i dealt with things, myself/my body, the way i did. i also know more now that her words are not the truth. i believe more in myself than that. it still hurts, of course, but i went about my day like an adult with her head screwed on comfortably should.

keep out

I don't read many blogs, in fact, there are only three that give me pause while I'm away from the computer--Sarahmarinara, Celibate in the City, and oh, i can't remember...

I see that some people write knowing that the people in their lives read their words--others shield their blogs. It's so OUT there but I was hoping that I could write whatever about whomever and even use a swear word if neccesary and not worry. So--people in my breathing/outside computer life--i am wishing this tonight to the sleepinig moon all in a ball, please find your way elsewhere.

slims pickin

Last night, after further irritating myself about Skate1, I thought I'd take a momentary break from a Sunday evening of pressure (early up tomorrow, still not much homework done, what about car breaks?, white spots, singles' conference (surprise!) and all of that that I had hoped to have sorted, whittled and in place by that time on Sunday night)...and check out LDSPlanet. Not that I'm looking. more just curious about the who's and the where's.

There never is anybody like Skate1. I quickly closed my account less than an hour after signing in and saying that yes, I attend church regularly. Who says they're "good-looking" anyway, and why would that sway me to look at someone as opposed to the person who admits that they are merely "average-looking?" Give me average-looking please, any day. I prefer someone with unique looks. And I do break for bald, jewish-looking men. mmmhm.

No, there never is anything, anyone, like Skate1, whom I met nerely 4 years ago on LDSsingles. He's my broccoli in the vegetables of life.

white spots in mouth

brown spots on wall by hooflungpoo.

that is always sure to bring a smile to my face.
but really, i have spots on the inside of my mouth, near the back under my tongue. white. i want to poke them with a pin.

tonight i petted my fish, Lips. i love watching Lips poop. i accidently dumped too much food in the bowl the other day so he gorged himself. an early thanksgiving. then i started wondering if perhaps he was pregnant. a thought that, once entering my head, wouldn't settle down. the same type of thoughts i have had before when somehow, someway, my period is not coming because somehow i must be pregnant. immaculate conception? too much fooling around?

finally the poop is coming out today. of Lips. goldfish usually poop immediately upon eating their yummy flakes, but it took all day for Lips. so, i reached in and petted him, hoping that the shock of my finger against his scales would cause a swift motion, detaching the dangling poop. Lips swam calmly, as if he was used to such treatment.

hmmm.

turtles

Tonight,
she said,
I'm burrying myself into the sand.

Oh
then when you hatch...that is, when you're in new form...you will make your way to the ocean, toward the light at the horizon. Did you know that sea turtles instinctively know to move toward the light when they emerge from the sand, barely born? I asked. But sometimes they get the light of the city confused with the light of the sky, never making it to the ocean without help from another.
Towards Nature's light.

This is according to The View from Saturday. Tonight's dream according to a giggle-less gigglebox.

to the finish line...wave. smile. water, please

i don't know who started it--post once a day, this month only!
but,
it made me think about when President Hinckley issued us the challenge to read the book of mormon before year's end. i tried but life has a way of picking up wind speed along with debris and other magnificent treasures that settle
into the open desert. chapters here and there, but i did not do it.
one minute left before day's end.
i've done it!