down

i haven't written because first, i was UP in the air, elated with all things balloons AND albuquerque (i want to live there!). and then, after dancing on the oldtown square, a new turquoise bracelet (a good story i will share sometime), chance encounters with my 2 balloon buddies, lots of thoughts and some actions pertaining to being "in the now" (thanks, trisha), and being called a "regular" by the El Don Motel (lit-up lasso-er vacancy sign) owner with all the star treatment a regular at the el don could enjoy, i found my way camping with my M. up into the four corners area - it was cool to visit 4 states in 4 seconds! - , mesa verde, and shiprock. we explored in a way that i've never been able to with another.

i also haven't written and probably won't write for a while because i am depressed. sad. less. i wish it wasn't so. i wish i didn't want to pull my insides out and lay them to dry in the sun. i feel i can't write it here. i know the audience is kind, but i feel this is private. it's real. i'm real. i don't know how i go so up and then so down. i don't know if what i do is normal or not. i feel i have given so much away, and i had to! but at the moment, i'm in pain and my under-eyes hurt, and i want to give more but there is nothing left right now.

i don't want the time inbetween.

imogene heap puts it well in her song "Wait it Out":

"Everybody says

that time heals everything.

But what of the wretched hollow?

The endless inbetween?

Are we just going to wait it out?

And sit here cold?

Look, you'll be long gone by then.

And lackluster in the dust we lay

'round old magazines.

Flourescent lighting sets the scene

for all we could and should be being

in the one life that we've got..."

it doesn't completely describe my emotions but

could, should, one life, living...

i live and give and FEEL and now. i'm sort of a mess.