Tasty

Location: Top of the hill in the Phoenix Preserves. (watch out!)

Feeling famished after school, I went there to devour some Spicy Noodles from Thai Hut. I wanted to be somewhere in nature, close to M.'s footsteps. I had the mountain and view to myself.

My parents were mortified to hear me say that I think I make a really good ugly person. I was very much in character, inside and out. However, I felt sad to zombify such a pretty dress.

TAKING ACTION!!!--Can you help in this creativity crisis?

The Artist's Way has sat on my shelf for plenty of years now. I took it out for one month when I was without a driver's license and was forced to take the bus everywhere - I had a lot more reading time then. Anyway, I chanced upon this book, The Sound of Paper, by the same author, Julia Cameron. There are short chapters with accompanying assignments such as making a collage in one hour and then writing or creating a list of this or going on "artist dates" or writing your "morning pages." I also really LOVE the ideas on LEARNING TO LOVE YOU MORE - these were assignments created and given by artists Miranda July and Harrell Fletcher, such as "make a field guide to your yard" or "create a constellation on someone and document it" (this one I did on my nephew's fabulously freckled back). The thing is, I know that there is so much inspiration out there. I see inspiration in every nook but realize that I have let go of the "doing" part. What attracts me to the above book is that framework for constancy and accountability to myself through loosely structured activities.

So, I am looking for suggestions of all sorts - books, blogs, websites, personal lists, or anything - that will fascilitate this need for creative excercise and exploration. I have been sorely lacking and my spirit is screaming!!!

my desert playground

this weekend, I...

-joined a rather tame and hilarious band of zombies

-ran surreptitiously through cultivated farmland behind the striking san xavier del bac mission, south of tucson

-bought a new journal, an old swivel chair for my desk, garland for dia de los muertos, and a brass hunk unicorn

-traipsed through a "junk/salvage/cool old rustica yard" at a house on a street down the street from a street named "pair-o-dice" with my sis

-traveled down south and up north (tucson and then showlow) - saguaros then pines. i LOVE arizona.

-lifted st. francis (sacrilegious? maybe. i was told by some clairvoyant that to lift the wooden body meant one had a good heart. i needed no such confirmation but followed my friend.)

mission: new journal!

Here is my current journal, filled cover to cover.
Found at: Turiya's in Salt Lake City...a store with doves.
white Dove feather in car.
protect. lift.

magic.

Here's how I journal.



Last September, during a really crazy time, I left my car unlocked and all of my bags were stolen at 2 in the morning. I was crushed because my journal - kept for 2 years - was in one of the bags. I have never found it. Believe me, I looked. But, this dreamy journal has been a constant companion, kept differently than my old journal because I knew that it was NOT my life, and that my writing, while an extension and exploration of ME was not what and who I am. My friend and I are now headed down to Tucson (YAY!) where I know exactly where I might hope to find a new one.

love and spirit

real, true love...unselfish, giving, forgiving, trusting, LOVE
to myself and others...
Light.
my spirit is shining, finally.
the Spirit can light my way.

i thought i knew how to do it, but my lack of spirit told me there was a problem draining my life. so, i did what i thought that i couldn't do, even though it was the most loving thing i needed to do. immediately, i felt at peace. things will be right. they are right and my heart is calm.

soft

i felt somewhat better today (and this is despite the jarring jump start i had upon arrival too-early at school, halted by police officers checking my trunk - apparently a convict had escaped a nearby mental institution and tried to hide in our school, with blood painted windows to prove his presence)...better, due to, in no order at all:

• words and prayers of friends that lie like poultices over my soul
• praying for another
• soothing songs with banjo (new and old)
• solitude in the car
• the very natural pang of hunger
• a spontaneous night run with a friend
• crickets in the front and in the back
• speaking up about unfair practices at school
• cookies-and-cream ice cream with real whipped cream
• having a dear one listen to my tale, reminding me that i am human and beautiful
• heliotrope-colored socks, pealed off with such satisfaction

campfire

as i've been dipping into all of my favorite blogs on and off today like a lik-a-maid candy stick, since i have been away awhile, i've worn my camping pants. they're FULL of smokiness and send into this city dwelling the primitive smell of fire. fire to warm. fire to cook. fire to amaze, tantalize, meditate, purify.

stars, total freedom, sleeping by earth, God, and campfire (and its permeating odor)=why i could camp forever.

some fall break photos

old town albuquerque. 30 bucks a night for 2 double beds! no way! and, my favorite electrical hotel sign.

nelly b. one of the "special shapes" balloons.pretty colors. streetside mural. albuquerque, n.m.

red mesa. arizona.

mesa verde. southern colorado.

crazy for this color. trashcan. near gallup, new mexico.

belly full of indian frybread.

down

i haven't written because first, i was UP in the air, elated with all things balloons AND albuquerque (i want to live there!). and then, after dancing on the oldtown square, a new turquoise bracelet (a good story i will share sometime), chance encounters with my 2 balloon buddies, lots of thoughts and some actions pertaining to being "in the now" (thanks, trisha), and being called a "regular" by the El Don Motel (lit-up lasso-er vacancy sign) owner with all the star treatment a regular at the el don could enjoy, i found my way camping with my M. up into the four corners area - it was cool to visit 4 states in 4 seconds! - , mesa verde, and shiprock. we explored in a way that i've never been able to with another.

i also haven't written and probably won't write for a while because i am depressed. sad. less. i wish it wasn't so. i wish i didn't want to pull my insides out and lay them to dry in the sun. i feel i can't write it here. i know the audience is kind, but i feel this is private. it's real. i'm real. i don't know how i go so up and then so down. i don't know if what i do is normal or not. i feel i have given so much away, and i had to! but at the moment, i'm in pain and my under-eyes hurt, and i want to give more but there is nothing left right now.

i don't want the time inbetween.

imogene heap puts it well in her song "Wait it Out":

"Everybody says

that time heals everything.

But what of the wretched hollow?

The endless inbetween?

Are we just going to wait it out?

And sit here cold?

Look, you'll be long gone by then.

And lackluster in the dust we lay

'round old magazines.

Flourescent lighting sets the scene

for all we could and should be being

in the one life that we've got..."

it doesn't completely describe my emotions but

could, should, one life, living...

i live and give and FEEL and now. i'm sort of a mess.

UP, up, and AWAY!

Chasing my dreams.

Ready for lift off in 2 hours and 7 minutes...hoping to never land! A little clarification - I'm driving to New Mexico with Trisha and Ruth, and we will arrive in Albuquerque just before sunrise, blurry-eyed and caffeinated, ready to behold mass ascension.

treasure

countenance

A dear friend asked why I would represent myself with "mugshot #3" (see earlier post). Well, because it does represent me. So does this.
And all the phases inbetween.

I love that what we feel inside changes our countenance, our skin cells, and our aura, no matter how difficult or ecstatic the moment, and no matter how lasting. I'm reminded that there is ALWAYS potential for either extreme.

smelling the creosote

my roommate, Ruth, one of my best roommates ever, provides our home with a cache of movies, mostly comedies--stuff i don't usually see in the theatre. anyway, i watched The Yes Man (YES MAN, YES MAN, YES MAN!) the other day, and besides really enjoying the movie, Zooey Deschanel, and the idea that we should all be saying YES to living and not just existing!, i found the running/photo group (they run and take photos at the same time) corny but, what-the-heck, interesting.

as i ran yesterday at dusk, when through the peephole at papago park, the sun slipped into something more comfortable for sleep, when at the canal, the water reflected a comic strip version of a cloudy sky, when the majestic desert stood tall and still, ready to shake in the blaze of the sunset, when feet pounded, breath was measured, and eyes widened, when a brave, white-tailed rabbit nibbled as an admirer observed its long hind paws, when the smell of the creosote bush told the air that rain IS possible in this teeming but dry desert, when the rising, iridescent moon invited the departing sun for a slow dance...when all of this glowed around me, i was reminded of the running/photo club and wished that i could capture a snap of such solitary beauty. here, i tried to catch the moon mid-opening dust dance...

today, after conference ended and i picked up speed again, i returned to papago park with camera in hand, ready for magic. the light wouldn't be replicated, though the run was completely fulfilling. again, i rubbed creosote inbetween my fingers, forcing open the fuzzy white pompom to leave its faint perfume on my tips for quick sniffing highs during the run. since i had my camera, i took a few shots (saguaros - the younger and the older). i'll keep doing the running/photo club thing, 'tho not from the treadmill.

click on mass happiness

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%253A%252F%252Fwww.balloonfiesta.com%252F&h=df84168da4d78d4ed6be7ef5c1adb9a4&ref=nf

balloons. the colorful, dreamy, larger-than-life ones, way up there in the sky. one week from today.

my spirit is giddy.
oh, i'm really SO EXCITED!!! to embark on my 2nd annual trip to the balloon fiesta in the land of enchantment.

favorite fries

(Pete's)
favorite man

(M.)
one of my favorite places to be

(temple) (outside) (under a tree)

highlights, lowlights, and no lights

i'm not so shiner-y lately.

last night...
two rings around the moon

the night before last...
autumn blew in with gusto
a chill
and an invitation

tonight...
the heavy, cobweb spun sky,
like a white asprin to my head,
let one large drop of
rain
christen
my crown chakra,
the Sahasrara

boy or girl?

A new student arrived on the stoop today, all shy and wrapped up in her pink hoodie, eyes shiny like a startled rabbit, paws stiff. As she pushed back the hood to show her head, I knew that I would have to talk to the class about hair, since her shorn hair was nothing like all of the girls' long and ponytailed, braided, and barretted hair.

The timid little girl stood on display as eager boys and girls raised their hands to show that they wanted to be her new friends. But, the thoughts of the second-graders went right past the appropriateness gauge and filled the room. "Is that a he?" "Why is her hair so short?" "Miss Siren, did her hair fall out?" "How do you know that's a girl?" "She has earrings, see?" The kids mean no harm--they are just curious. In fact, their innate and unhampered curiosity is one of their most attractive qualities.

A discussion on hair ensued. I explained how I had cut all of my hair off and thought that it was quite stylish. We talked about how some boys have long hair and some girls have short hair. And then, Carlos candidly interrupted (as he often does), "When are we going to talk about MUSTACHES because my mom is growing one of those."

mug shot

MUG SHOT #3

i have a bizarre fascination with documenting the extremes. here is one of recent (3 nights ago) to keep on file. go ahead, smile.

my mouth waters for...

a sweet and spicy CRUNCH!

these chips are my current faves.

buy them so that Doritos keeps makin 'em.

i'm pickin' some up right now for that long drive home in my

auto-office.

coated fingers. lookin' for the bits with all the stuff blasted on.

ugh. they made me sick.

the art of loving

okay, this title (below) is so full of itself but i don't know how else to categorize it!

4 memorable moments
of lasting self-discovery
in two months:

1. training for and completing a half-marathon - life changed. my confidence and ownership of my truest feelings went to the moon, while worry about everything waned and had a place-check. dissolve.

2. deciding to "break" from an unhealthy living situation - this decision, made immediately after i returned from the half-marathon while still in my stinky socks and running attire, was a leap of faith, but again, came from truth. it meant missing one of my all-time closest friends. for how long? maybe forever. it meant i would no longer have someone to cruise around town listening to Tiesto with when energy pushed me beyond the barrier of the walls at midnight. it meant searching and finding a healthy place and roommate so that i could breathe out and sink in comfortably.

3. M. gone for 2 months - i wondered why he wasn't here to help me switch classrooms, to help me move all of my belongings to my new apartment, to celebrate my dad's birthday with the rest of the family, to send a text when i felt ignored. i had to do it on my own (of course, with help from friends but without relying on him for my changes, which let them be MINE). i thanked him as soon as he returned. it reminds me of an ANASAZI principle called "the making of an asking." it is letting someone try to do it on their own before stepping in to ease their way. it is letting them decide when they need to ask for help and trusting that you will.

4. meditation - that meditation...wow. i'm going again this wednesday. i never knew that i stopped myself from being still with my own thoughts. i mean, i think all of the time. but, the point in the meditation was "no thought," which i relate to reading the scriptures and finding answers that have no logical base in the words read. without thought, but with focus, there is room for the most important. from the meditation, i started reading The Art of Loving again, by Erich Fromm. Here is what sticks with me so far, this round:

"Concentration is by far more difficult to practice in our culture, in which everything seems to act against the ability to concentrate. The most important step in learning concentration is to learn to be alone with oneself without reading, listening to the radio, smoking, or drinking. Indeed, to be able to concentrate means to be able to be alone with oneself--and this ability is precisely a condition for the ability to love. If I am attached to another person because I cannot stand on my own feet, he or she may be a lifesaver, but the relationship is not one of love. Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love."

i saw that movie, Adam, again. see it! in the film, Adam wants his girlfriend to move from NYC to California with him. He has Asperger's syndrome and has never left the city on his own. when she questions him - "why do you you want me to go with you?" - he stammers and then says that she is part of him, that he needs her to help him find his way to work and to say the right things to people, and to understand what others mean. "because i can't go without you." i won't give away her decision, but this supports Fromm's assertion that "the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love."