boy or girl?

A new student arrived on the stoop today, all shy and wrapped up in her pink hoodie, eyes shiny like a startled rabbit, paws stiff. As she pushed back the hood to show her head, I knew that I would have to talk to the class about hair, since her shorn hair was nothing like all of the girls' long and ponytailed, braided, and barretted hair.

The timid little girl stood on display as eager boys and girls raised their hands to show that they wanted to be her new friends. But, the thoughts of the second-graders went right past the appropriateness gauge and filled the room. "Is that a he?" "Why is her hair so short?" "Miss Siren, did her hair fall out?" "How do you know that's a girl?" "She has earrings, see?" The kids mean no harm--they are just curious. In fact, their innate and unhampered curiosity is one of their most attractive qualities.

A discussion on hair ensued. I explained how I had cut all of my hair off and thought that it was quite stylish. We talked about how some boys have long hair and some girls have short hair. And then, Carlos candidly interrupted (as he often does), "When are we going to talk about MUSTACHES because my mom is growing one of those."

mug shot

MUG SHOT #3

i have a bizarre fascination with documenting the extremes. here is one of recent (3 nights ago) to keep on file. go ahead, smile.

my mouth waters for...

a sweet and spicy CRUNCH!

these chips are my current faves.

buy them so that Doritos keeps makin 'em.

i'm pickin' some up right now for that long drive home in my

auto-office.

coated fingers. lookin' for the bits with all the stuff blasted on.

ugh. they made me sick.

the art of loving

okay, this title (below) is so full of itself but i don't know how else to categorize it!

4 memorable moments
of lasting self-discovery
in two months:

1. training for and completing a half-marathon - life changed. my confidence and ownership of my truest feelings went to the moon, while worry about everything waned and had a place-check. dissolve.

2. deciding to "break" from an unhealthy living situation - this decision, made immediately after i returned from the half-marathon while still in my stinky socks and running attire, was a leap of faith, but again, came from truth. it meant missing one of my all-time closest friends. for how long? maybe forever. it meant i would no longer have someone to cruise around town listening to Tiesto with when energy pushed me beyond the barrier of the walls at midnight. it meant searching and finding a healthy place and roommate so that i could breathe out and sink in comfortably.

3. M. gone for 2 months - i wondered why he wasn't here to help me switch classrooms, to help me move all of my belongings to my new apartment, to celebrate my dad's birthday with the rest of the family, to send a text when i felt ignored. i had to do it on my own (of course, with help from friends but without relying on him for my changes, which let them be MINE). i thanked him as soon as he returned. it reminds me of an ANASAZI principle called "the making of an asking." it is letting someone try to do it on their own before stepping in to ease their way. it is letting them decide when they need to ask for help and trusting that you will.

4. meditation - that meditation...wow. i'm going again this wednesday. i never knew that i stopped myself from being still with my own thoughts. i mean, i think all of the time. but, the point in the meditation was "no thought," which i relate to reading the scriptures and finding answers that have no logical base in the words read. without thought, but with focus, there is room for the most important. from the meditation, i started reading The Art of Loving again, by Erich Fromm. Here is what sticks with me so far, this round:

"Concentration is by far more difficult to practice in our culture, in which everything seems to act against the ability to concentrate. The most important step in learning concentration is to learn to be alone with oneself without reading, listening to the radio, smoking, or drinking. Indeed, to be able to concentrate means to be able to be alone with oneself--and this ability is precisely a condition for the ability to love. If I am attached to another person because I cannot stand on my own feet, he or she may be a lifesaver, but the relationship is not one of love. Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love."

i saw that movie, Adam, again. see it! in the film, Adam wants his girlfriend to move from NYC to California with him. He has Asperger's syndrome and has never left the city on his own. when she questions him - "why do you you want me to go with you?" - he stammers and then says that she is part of him, that he needs her to help him find his way to work and to say the right things to people, and to understand what others mean. "because i can't go without you." i won't give away her decision, but this supports Fromm's assertion that "the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love."

med-itate

the monk in orange exhaled a barrage of loud, nearly indecipherable, indian-accented axioms toward us and the large Buddha. but, what he said is probably true. after practicing meditation for 6 months, one will no longer need a psychologist.

huge ball of knotted yarn = my thoughts. to retard their multi-colored flitter-fraying, winding, tying, binding, i focus on...

breath-
in,
out.
the guide--voice so calming--like a parent consoling a sad child-why am i crying?-have i not given myself one moment to sit with these thoughts?-i thought i was...-
in,
out .
shana, that was only 2 seconds-
in...
my mind hurts-i'm tired-why doesn't he understand?-i wish i could lie down on the floor right now-has anyone ever done that here?-their eyes are closed-that will disrupt their meditation-what is the scent of that incense stick?-pine?-
out .
heart is pounding-head and brain are attacking the skin around my skull-when will the ibuprofen work?-
in,
out.
tears
in,
out.
back is achy-i'm getting more lines in my forehead vertical to my right eye-neat house-
in,
out.
okay, this is taking a very long time and i want to squirm-stop thinking-focus!-
in...
bothered-
in...
stop, mind-see the breath-good posture-interesting looking people-eyelids feel like they are pushing inward-
in...
this is why he needed more time-can i sleep on trisha's couch?-why am i afraid to slow down?-
in,
out.
slow down-mental mouse wheel-Ferris wheel-teaching-family-religion-relationship-body-time-
out...

i teach 2nd grade

I don't know how appropriate it is to post pictures of my students online, so here is a picture of me, circa 1982, the same age as my current students who are so fresh!

When I was in 2nd grade, my reading teacher brought in ashes from the eruption of Mt. St. Helens. I also remember the "inside" camping trip we took and the countless mystery stories I wrote with her encouragement. I NEVER thought that I would love teaching this same grade, but I do.

We've had a tent pitched inside our classroom since last week and tomorrow it's OUR inside campout...telling our own ghost stories, eating trail mix, watching the nebulae aswirl on navy blue butcher paper, using flashlights and making shadow puppets, whispers, watching for deer and rodents...i am so going camping this weekend.

playing telephone

Neighborhood Payphone
You don't see a neighborhood payphone that often, anymore. I had to wait for the telephoner to hang up before I could capture this image. It's just down the street from the school where I teach. While waiting, I sat in my car eating french fries with Pete's special sauce, windows down (I didn't want that lingering fry-smell), and a.c. on as I listened to the ice cream truck jingle by and was "found" by 2 students from school who rolled up to my open window as I savored a soggy fry and asked quizzically, "Miss Siren, what are you doing?"

My Ghetto-ayse Phone
This is the phone that hugs my ear and brushes my lips. Its guts are held together with its fourth round of scotch-tape dressing, yet I flip it open proudly. Actually, it doesn't close all of the way. So, the battery only charges for about 30 minutes of use. Deactivation is slated for October 14th, when I can finally switch from my 2-year term to an obligation-free plan. Kind of like a worn baby blanket, I will miss its character and the stamina it has shown through the good, the bad, the laughter, the tears, and the "accidents."

I'd like to see one worse for the wear that still works.

bedhead

for my first ever youtube post, i wanted it to be something that has been with me for a long, winding while. this song blows my mind. no video, just aural, close-your-eyes-and-feel-it, resonance. middle of the soul.

when you find me

http://www.imeem.com/nettwerkmusic/music/hW-ihcNn/joshua-radin-feat-maria-taylor-when-you-find-me/
click and listen. i don't know how to post pictures, music, etc. but i do know how to link. the song, "when you find me," is from the movie, Adam, which is about the relationship between a young lady and a young man who has asperger's syndrome. i saw it last night in the theatre with only one other person present! i have yet to see a movie in a theatre completely empty except for myself, but i've come close on many late-night occasions.

the movie made me think about the people in my life who have no labels, and, without such tickets for excuse, i, we, judge, because they don't speak, react, think, respond...in any way we would.

the song only has to do with love and longing.

peace out

neil said, and i agree, that he hasn't seen me so peaceful ever since he's known me (3 1/2 years). i'm not bragging or anything, in fact, i am shocked. i NEVER thought that the word 'peaceful' would be used to describe me. not that i am the anti-peace. i relish peace. but, it's like calling a rabbit peaceful. or a hummingbird, darting zig-zag between troves of nectar, "at peace." and i'm not calling myself a rabbit or a hummingbird either. just. well. i like it.

no more redbull AND burning shirts

two totally disparate subjects of no relation except they happened on the same day. let's start with

no more redbull...
my habit has gotten completely and embarassingly out of control. the first time i drank one was on the trip back from san diego a few years ago. i was exhausted, needed some energy so that i wouldn't fall asleep at the wheel...you know, they say that truckers use drugs to stay awake on their long treks--how else could you stay awake even if a.m. radio is stimulating in its own way?...anyway, i liked the slender can, the bright blue color, the taste even, and especially its affect on me. through the years, i've gone through periods without it, most recently when i worked at anasazi. in good concience, i couldn't ask the youngwalkers to turn away from their addictions when i couldn't turn away from mine on my weeks off. so, i quit. i don't get much sleep though, and often can't shake the sluggishness until too late at night. well, today, during my appointment with neil, he helped me identify a time in my life when my physical energy started being used for an internal struggle--age 6. it's nothing crazy, and in fact, makes so much sense. neil uses a lot of alternative therapies alongside some traditional psychotherapy. he works with the chakras, with the spirit, with the subconcious. i pleaded to be able to drink redbull just one more day and he relented. But, he said that i needed to not drink it in order to be able to notice the changes. i am quite confident that i will notice more energy throughout my day as well as clarity of mind. goodbye redbull. it's been a nice but expensive ride.

too tired to share about burning shirts. there's a teaser for next time.

ce la vie, anonymity!

with the recent arrival of lots of emails from friends and family members about their newborn blogs, i want to comment! and i realize that i can either a. create a new blog that is not so free (as in, a politer, more digestible version of me), b. just put this out there as is (a little scary for me, honestly), or c. put this out there and be concious of my audience. and comment accordingly.

i think a mixture of b and c could work. my purpose in blogging was not for anyone to be up to date on my whereabouts, my thoughts, or my life, but more for me to inside-out my head and my heart with some abandon.

and what of my secrets? everyone has them. don't they? hmm. any suggestions?

teaching, er, sort of

i forgot to sign the contract. that could have played out to be a bad thing, but, in fact, my scatterbrainness saved me and it was a blessing, one that allowed me to say NO to that horrible discipline program called "Make Your Day," in which children give themselves points all day and talk about "concerns" with the other 30 kids in their class and sit with their faces inches from the wall and their backs to the class during 'step 1.'

i loved the school i was at but was unfortunately transfered to the school with the above discipline mandate. and so, with nearly 3 weeks of teaching under my belt, i resigned. i did so before even clearing the things out of my original school. when you know that something is not right, at least for yourself, there is no need to wait. it was a test of faith and of listening to my spirit.

last week i went to the chiropractor, had a colonic, tried not eating sugar for 24 hours, had my first facial EVER!, got the car nice and shiny clean, went dancing, had a "foot bath" and ate rheubarb pie....i just didn't want to get depressed over doing the right thing yet being out of a teaching job.

this week i plan to:
1. get hired to teach third grade after today's interview
2. have another facial (thank you cousin for going to aesthetician school!)
3. go dancing again
4. see DayNightDayNight http://www.onenightcinema.net/
5. go shopping for bras

oh, and since i never signed my contract, i am able to be hired by another district! talk about luck-ee.

nightly ritual

dim light.
honey powder - a faint scent,
not fully used.
tingling just beneath the skin,
or not.
pause
and deep breath
in.
as lids close and lips part and heartbeat slows.
right hand anchors the front
while left hand reaches for the back simultaneously.
both
pull.
eyes open to place it, reconnected, atop the dresser.
right earring now.
the bracelet slips off almost unnoticed
and circles
the others.
rings.
one, two, possibly.
the jewelry speaks of femininity or sights seen, fears or excitements felt.
to be picked up tomorrow,
fresh,
their metal cools through the night
and woman breathes again,
untying the top of her blouse.

ritual of jewelry removal.

trailwalkin'

Where am I? ANASAZI. on the trail. bliss.

late night thoughts

is it a sign that he is too old if you call him at 9:30 and he is already half asleep and wants to call back tomorrow?

date night with dad is the BEST! observatory and Eurocafe. saturn. saturn's rings. jupiter.

those songs from High School Musical ARE pretty catchy

will i have enough energy to one day be a mother?

now i am a chiropractic patient trying to not crack my own

peak hours are still between 10 and 2 a.m.

what's the thread count of my sheets and what do I really want and want am I willing to pay for?

soft sheets

goat cheese

x-rays

plucking eyebrows

hosting book club

I am hosting June's lock and key book club and we will be reading (I just KNEW that the book would come to me!) No one belongs here more than you. Stories by Miranda July.

http://noonebelongsheremorethanyou.com/

click the above to get a quick sense of miranda july. i am so excited!
Her last film You and Me and Everyone We Know is one of my top 5 movies of all time.
Plus, the cute boy at the bookstore knew exactly where the book was, which made me happy. You know, to know that someone else knows.

Running out of gas, take 64!

pop-rox says that we're too old to be screaming and ranting and raving. "We're not THAT old," I text back. He returns with, "Well I am :)"

then, just 2 hours later, on my way to work, I run out of gas on a zooming speeding freeway. in a rental car. and since I was in the zooming speeding lane myself, I needed somehow to get to the opposite side of the freeway. but in a rental car and under zooming speeding pressure while your car has slowed to about 5 mph because you have RUN out of GAS, and while honking horns fill your ears and you try to cry in the rearview mirror so that the hopefully nice lady in the minivan behind you will take pitty....semi's swooshing past. hmm. maybe if I straddle BOTH lane with my stalling car, people will realize that even though it's only a blinker and NOT the emergency lights, that just maybe I am in trouble of some sort and would give me a break (yes, I did realize later that I have been on the other side, frustrated in a car behind someone who has no CLUE). I do make it to a spot right between the on ramp/off ramp. I call pop-rox to see if he knows where the emergency lights would be, crying again. his was the first and only number I thought to call. oh yeah, I had actually left early for work for once too, although I was foolishly trying to make it to the dealership to pick up my car and drop off the rental in probably much too little time. "GET OFF THE PHONE!!" booms a voice behind me. a police man. shoot. I try to cry to him to. I hang up the phone. the next 15 minutes were spent waiting for a truck with gas to help me out. The car was in such a dangerous place that we had to "walk away from the car." :) gas comes, I feel embarassed, hair blown this way and that from freeway traffic and gawkers galore. I make it to work 12 minutes late. And everything is okay.

random observations

highway walkers. grasshoppers. bulbs on bushes. why the general scent of the house doesn't change already in my room. trouble waking.

sleeping around

aye. yaye. i was doing, well, relatively well with sleeping in my very own bed in the room i rent even in clothes made for sleeping. and now it has been a few days of back to the old habit of sleeping on parents' couch, on the floor, and in my old bed. it's not that i need to feel close to the womb. i need to use the computer. finish my late homework. look for chocolate in the cupboards. not drive around all over town.

neil, my therapist, asked me on Sunday, "has anyone told you that over the last 6 months you've gotten more beautiful?" new haircut? no, it's not your hair but you. oh, my face does feel a little more filled out. maybe i got fatter. yeah, maybe you're taking better care of yourself. me (defensively)-i take good care of myself, anyway, i haven't gained any weight. i don't know what it is. Neil-gees, it's hard for you to take a compliment. Me-well, yeah, my face does feel less drawn......What the heck? Did I gain weight? I have been sleeping more. Hmm. I don't mind if I'm supposed to gain weight and I know why, but not just out of the blue like that. Anyway, I didn't gain weight. I'm just going to take an overdue look at my diet and excercise, sleep and wonders, and do what my body and spirit tell me to do.